Despite the fact that I either still have the stomach flu or got the stomach flu again, things are looking better in week 37. My body is getting used to moving again (although this darn stomach bug laid me up for a few more days). I am also starting to feel the tell-tale signs of impending labor - the achy hips, the notorious "waddle", and the "ah heck this is really gonna happen, isn't it" panic attacks.
At my doctor's appointment today, we discovered that my body is starting to progress toward labor again now that I am off of bedrest. Contractions have picked back up, I am a 2 cm dilated, 50% effaced and the baby is now head down and low at -2 station. As anyone who has had a baby knows, that really doesn't mean diddly. I could go into labor tonight or in another month. One thing is for sure - we trust that she will come when she's ready. Um...maybe we should try to get ready ourselves.
I am a little nervous about our plans for another unmedicated childbirth in the physical condition I am in and really hope that we're not in store for another 18-hour active labor marathon like Miss Josephine's (check out her birth story here). That said, we have a doula we really trust, I know Lou will be the "rock" that he was last time, and I know what my body is capable of doing. Our wish is for a couple more weeks of healing and recovery from the bedrest and stomach virus before we enter into the craziness of having a newborn. We'll see... :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
My Ambitious Valentine
You would think I learned my lesson last year after spending a solid week on the Flamingo Valentines that Josephine saw in a magazine and "had to" make. This year, we thought we were going for something more simple - until we got to Michael's. That's when Josie proudly announced that the valentines for her class were going to have "paint and glitter and stickers." We are now on day three of creating 24 hand-made, heart-shaped, painty, glittery, gluey valentines. I gotta say - I love her creativity! (And again her generous little spirit shines, as she is so excited to be making and giving something to all of her friends that she can hardly stand it!)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Recalibrating
Talk about timing...last week the LA Times published this article questioning the value of bedrest. Thankfully I was at the end of my strict bedrest mandate when I read it, otherwise I might have had a complete freaking meltdown. It is a really interesting article and actually didn't come as a total surprise (since our doctor indicated bedrest wasn't a sure-fire way to prevent preterm labor). I could definitely relate to the feelings the moms shared about the pain and exhaustion that bedrest yields, as well as how difficult it is emotionally and how little people really understand about what it is like to go through. (I am convinced btw that there isn't a single person alive who doesn't think - at least just a little - "Come on, how bad could it be? I wish someone would tell me I had an excuse to do nothing for weeks at a time!").
One thing the article also reveals is that there is a big post-bedrest adjustment. (Chalk this up as another thing some people don't understand - myself included.) I wasn't prepared for the major adjustment to moving again! It's only been a week, but it's been a steep learning curve. As my doctor put it, the body has to "recalibrate" itself to being a vertical again. I was on some form of bedrest for four months - with the final six weeks horizontal for about 23 hours a day. Once you reallly think about it, it does make sense that this would cause some pretty serious impact to the body - weakness, muscle cramps and aches, lack of strength and stamina, and oh the dizziness, etc. And it is those physical things that makes it so hard mentally. I mean, how can a woman feel okay about herself when she needs to lay down and take a break from the exhaustion produced by a ten minute shower? Or when your arm muscles have gotten so weak that you need a break from sprinkling glitter?
Now, all this said - the big thing missing from the article (and from this post so far) is this: NONE OF THIS MATTERS. As a woman who lost three babies and wanted more than anything in the world to have another child, the pain and inconvenience of bedrest and recovering from bedrest doesn't mean squat! It just doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter that no medical journal has yet to publish a study revealing a strong positive correlation between bedrest and saving babies! What bedrest did for me was to give me a glimmer of hope and a sense of control over a situation that I really had no control over whatsoever. Sure I knew the whole time that there were no guarantees, but I was willing to do whatever it took even if it wasn't a sure thing! And now, at 37 weeks with the whole bedrest thing behind me - I wouldn't have changed a thing.
We still worry every single day that something will go wrong and we won't get our happy ending. As illogical as that might sound at this point, it is just the natural defense of people who have been hurt the way that we have. I guess we have to kind of "recalibrate" our thoughts as well. Many of you are helping us to do that. Thanks for sharing this journey with us. I guess what I'm saying is, thanks to those of you who continue to reach out and try to understand. We're almost there...
One thing the article also reveals is that there is a big post-bedrest adjustment. (Chalk this up as another thing some people don't understand - myself included.) I wasn't prepared for the major adjustment to moving again! It's only been a week, but it's been a steep learning curve. As my doctor put it, the body has to "recalibrate" itself to being a vertical again. I was on some form of bedrest for four months - with the final six weeks horizontal for about 23 hours a day. Once you reallly think about it, it does make sense that this would cause some pretty serious impact to the body - weakness, muscle cramps and aches, lack of strength and stamina, and oh the dizziness, etc. And it is those physical things that makes it so hard mentally. I mean, how can a woman feel okay about herself when she needs to lay down and take a break from the exhaustion produced by a ten minute shower? Or when your arm muscles have gotten so weak that you need a break from sprinkling glitter?
Now, all this said - the big thing missing from the article (and from this post so far) is this: NONE OF THIS MATTERS. As a woman who lost three babies and wanted more than anything in the world to have another child, the pain and inconvenience of bedrest and recovering from bedrest doesn't mean squat! It just doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter that no medical journal has yet to publish a study revealing a strong positive correlation between bedrest and saving babies! What bedrest did for me was to give me a glimmer of hope and a sense of control over a situation that I really had no control over whatsoever. Sure I knew the whole time that there were no guarantees, but I was willing to do whatever it took even if it wasn't a sure thing! And now, at 37 weeks with the whole bedrest thing behind me - I wouldn't have changed a thing.
We still worry every single day that something will go wrong and we won't get our happy ending. As illogical as that might sound at this point, it is just the natural defense of people who have been hurt the way that we have. I guess we have to kind of "recalibrate" our thoughts as well. Many of you are helping us to do that. Thanks for sharing this journey with us. I guess what I'm saying is, thanks to those of you who continue to reach out and try to understand. We're almost there...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
nice way to start the day
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Friday, February 4, 2011
Blast from the Past
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
We're alive
It's been a very insane set of days around here - with a pretty significant sewage back-up, the stomach flu, and ice storm and Lou getting a big case settled in Lexington. Not fun for anyone to say the least.
HOWEVER - in happier news - today is my birthday, I hit the 36 week pregnant mark and I AM NO LONGER ON BEDREST. I have lots to say about the past six weeks and hope to get a good update post together soon. But, for today, I'm dealing with some strange stomach flu relapse after feeling better yesterday and still trying to rehydrate and rest. Thanks for all the birthday wishes!
HOWEVER - in happier news - today is my birthday, I hit the 36 week pregnant mark and I AM NO LONGER ON BEDREST. I have lots to say about the past six weeks and hope to get a good update post together soon. But, for today, I'm dealing with some strange stomach flu relapse after feeling better yesterday and still trying to rehydrate and rest. Thanks for all the birthday wishes!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
a little practice...
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Friday, January 28, 2011
Three Little Birds
This post as been simmering for quite awhile. I've made references to our three little birds many times before, and I'm finally ready to tell the whole story. It goes something like this...
As most of you know by now, we have lost three babies on our journey from Carri & Lou to "Four Schneiders." We had two early, first trimester losses - one before Josie and one after. And then we lost Camille in the second trimester after a year of trying to conceive, and that just about broke us. The morning after we said goodbye to Camille, there were three little birds on the ledge of our condo downtown. This was unusual because, while we had our fair share of pigeons in the city, three random birds on the ledge was a rarity. Instantly, these three little birds became the way we symbolized and remembered our three little babies.
To add to that, we are huge Elizabeth Mitchell fans. No strangers to Bob Marley either, we've always loved Elizabeth's rendition of "Three Little Birds" on the first CD of hers that we bought. The thing is, that CD ("You Are My Little Bird") was the only thing that calmed sweet Josie and that song has always had special meaning. The first time I heard it, with teeny tiny Josie in her carseat behind me, I just sobbed. I was so grateful (and so hormonal) and Elizabeth's daughter is singing along with this little tiny sweet voice, and I just cried and cried. We listened to that CD more times that I can seriously count and every time it got to that track, I always got a big lump in my throat. I'd think about that first day in the car when Josie was so small and I'd think about the day when she would eventually add her own little voice to the track. And then, one afternoon, it happened. Josie was old enough to sing along and her tiny "Don't worry about a thing, Cuz Every little thing is gonna be alright..." came floating from the backseat. And I wept again. The distance between the first time we heard the song and that moment had passed all too quickly. By then, we had started having trouble conceiving and I took great solace in hearing sweet little Josephine remind me that everything would in fact be alright.
There have been other "three little bird" moments as well. For example, after each loss we looked for a way to memorialize the tiny life. After the third loss, I was shopping on etsy for a way to remember the three babies and found this "three little birds" necklace that instantly felt right. I emailed the seller to buy it, explaining the significance to me and our losses and she shared her own personal story of infertility and loss and we remain friends to this day. Here's the necklace. The crystal is a peridot for Josie's birthstone. And we will add another one for the new baby. :)
Yes, those three little birds have provided me comfort lots of times - and in the strangest of ways. When we developed a bloodclot in the placenta at 13 weeks with this pregnancy and faced a threatened miscarriage, we were sent to specialists at Good Samaritan Hospital. We sat in the waiting room, extremely nervous to find out if we were losing our fourth baby. I went into the bathroom and would you believe - of all things - someone had put three little bird stickers right on the "specimen cabinet." I had to laugh at how funny of a coincidence it was, and just how hilarious that those little birds showed up in such a silly spot. And, in that moment, I knew everything was gonna be alright.
And it all came full circle later when we went to Chicago for Lyla's birthday. Elizabeth Mitchell and her daughter hit the opening notes of "Three Little Birds" at the concert, where we were sitting with The Austins in the front row. And here were the tears again, as I sat there and rubbed by pregnant belly and held my big girl Josie and looked over at my sister with Lyla and Michael with tiny baby Jack. And again, I knew it would all be alright.
In fact, it's become somewhat of a mantra around here. In the darkest moments of this pregnancy, I had to remind myself: "There are only three little birds." I have no doubt that these little birds will continue to make appearances to all of us for the rest of our lives - in one way or another. And for that, I am grateful.
As most of you know by now, we have lost three babies on our journey from Carri & Lou to "Four Schneiders." We had two early, first trimester losses - one before Josie and one after. And then we lost Camille in the second trimester after a year of trying to conceive, and that just about broke us. The morning after we said goodbye to Camille, there were three little birds on the ledge of our condo downtown. This was unusual because, while we had our fair share of pigeons in the city, three random birds on the ledge was a rarity. Instantly, these three little birds became the way we symbolized and remembered our three little babies.
To add to that, we are huge Elizabeth Mitchell fans. No strangers to Bob Marley either, we've always loved Elizabeth's rendition of "Three Little Birds" on the first CD of hers that we bought. The thing is, that CD ("You Are My Little Bird") was the only thing that calmed sweet Josie and that song has always had special meaning. The first time I heard it, with teeny tiny Josie in her carseat behind me, I just sobbed. I was so grateful (and so hormonal) and Elizabeth's daughter is singing along with this little tiny sweet voice, and I just cried and cried. We listened to that CD more times that I can seriously count and every time it got to that track, I always got a big lump in my throat. I'd think about that first day in the car when Josie was so small and I'd think about the day when she would eventually add her own little voice to the track. And then, one afternoon, it happened. Josie was old enough to sing along and her tiny "Don't worry about a thing, Cuz Every little thing is gonna be alright..." came floating from the backseat. And I wept again. The distance between the first time we heard the song and that moment had passed all too quickly. By then, we had started having trouble conceiving and I took great solace in hearing sweet little Josephine remind me that everything would in fact be alright.
There have been other "three little bird" moments as well. For example, after each loss we looked for a way to memorialize the tiny life. After the third loss, I was shopping on etsy for a way to remember the three babies and found this "three little birds" necklace that instantly felt right. I emailed the seller to buy it, explaining the significance to me and our losses and she shared her own personal story of infertility and loss and we remain friends to this day. Here's the necklace. The crystal is a peridot for Josie's birthstone. And we will add another one for the new baby. :)
Yes, those three little birds have provided me comfort lots of times - and in the strangest of ways. When we developed a bloodclot in the placenta at 13 weeks with this pregnancy and faced a threatened miscarriage, we were sent to specialists at Good Samaritan Hospital. We sat in the waiting room, extremely nervous to find out if we were losing our fourth baby. I went into the bathroom and would you believe - of all things - someone had put three little bird stickers right on the "specimen cabinet." I had to laugh at how funny of a coincidence it was, and just how hilarious that those little birds showed up in such a silly spot. And, in that moment, I knew everything was gonna be alright.
And it all came full circle later when we went to Chicago for Lyla's birthday. Elizabeth Mitchell and her daughter hit the opening notes of "Three Little Birds" at the concert, where we were sitting with The Austins in the front row. And here were the tears again, as I sat there and rubbed by pregnant belly and held my big girl Josie and looked over at my sister with Lyla and Michael with tiny baby Jack. And again, I knew it would all be alright.
In fact, it's become somewhat of a mantra around here. In the darkest moments of this pregnancy, I had to remind myself: "There are only three little birds." I have no doubt that these little birds will continue to make appearances to all of us for the rest of our lives - in one way or another. And for that, I am grateful.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Two sweet snaps
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| Josie checking herself out in my Grandma Mimi's antique mirror that we just added to our bathroom. (Thanks Mom & Dad for hanging on to stuff like this.) |
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| Josie's new petticoat courtesy of www.kidsteals.com |
Friendly Neighbors
We have the most beautiful birds in our yard. The cardinals are our favorites. They are so bright and brilliant against the backdrop of all this snow. These two guys were in our giant catalpa tree. Josie loves watching them. We have a feeder right outside the dining room window and we love to peek out the window and watch all the birds in town take a turn.
(And the squirrels are pretty hysterical too.)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Quick Quote
Tonight Louie and I were reading Josephine bedtime stories. She didn't sleep well last night and was very over-tired so I was trying to get through the story quickly. I asked Lou to stop with the additional commentary a couple of times, but he kept it up (he couldn't see her heavy eyelids from his angle). After my third "Louie Shhhhhh," Josie says to him: "Yea Daddy. SHHHH! You should listen to your mother!"
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